Entries from a journal
I always keep a journal since I was in high school and I'm still keeping some of my notebooks inside my closet. But, when I started doing things more than my usual routines, I have written only when my thoughts could no longer be contained. And, because I no longer intended to keep a regular journal, I just jotted down on the random pages of my notebook. They are all scattered thoughts that when collated could bring a picture of how I had been in the past few months.
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November 15, 2007
4:00 p.m.
I'm hungry... But, instead of thinking of food, I think of you. This hunger is more than the scorches on the walls of my stomach. This is more than my stomach, greater than my desire to have enough food.
I couldn't think of any particular taste that I would like to eat right after this class. I'm thinking of more palatable than spaghetti... I couldn't think of anything else but you.
It is because any food served in front of me tastes better than anything that I find delicious when prepared by you.
But you are not sweet.. And no food could ever suffice this hunger because of this...
-----------
April 1, 2008
4:16 a.m. / 23-G
I guess, I've never been a good person to him... I want to continue our relationship until I learn how to love enough. I know I haven't shown enough love that he expects me to give him. But, I just would like him to know that I'm still willing to grow...
---------
September 16, 2008
2:00 p.m. / in my bed
It's a lousy day for a birthday... I still want to sleep and just dream.
Dreams, according to my ghost chatmate, are all impossible... You make 'goals' to make them happen. "Dreams be dreams..." Jack Johnson says.
I'm not quite sure why I have felt the urge to write today. Maybe because I just love reading my journals and assessing my way of thinking... Like what I just did before writing here.
I realized that it was not hard for me to enter into another relationship after the other... I mean, I was actually so blessed that I had not been one of those unattractive beings. And, it was not difficult for me to care for another man after getting over with someone. I'm just wondering whether or not it is a mere 'transfer of affection'. Or is there any pattern of my attitude in handling relationships?
Whatever it is, I find it so absurd to try to define or rationalize things or happenings in one's life. It's funny setting what's ought to be and what's not... Who says so?
In 25 years of experiences, whether or not I learned from those, I figured out that every single moment that you feel you're alive is life... Such is life!
There is no exact dogma, doctrine, pattern, principle, theory or whatever lexicons that one may associate with life.
Those who were done with life are not here to tell us that they had the right life or they had lived life to the fullest. Their lives are not models of how we should live ours. There is no final judgment neither...
Those who had experienced life earlier than others were able to build principles of their own for others to adhere because of what they had discovered on their journey. Each of us has his or her own journey, own life to unfold or learn.
Whatever happened to me in the past 25 years were all the makings of this life I have and will continue to live and enjoy.
It's the society which colors our minds to make us all in monochrome. It's the society that make us sad for not having the standards of life... or that we don't belong. It's the society which tells us to define life and make a good definition out of it. It's the society that keeps us weak so we can't stand alone and do what makes us happy or define our own happiness.
Fame, wealth, profession, reputation, beauty, health, yada yada yada... These are the 'Nirvana'... Most of humans believe that one of these mentioned is their end.
What if the end of life is to consume it until it ends by choice... consciously or subconsciously? Then, it might be easy! And, death would not be an object of anxiety.
My next 25 years (if I still want to stay this long) shall be another journey of unfolding the potentials of life... No standards, no expectations... Just purely living it all up to its end...
And, for this journey to be fun, I'm going to do what makes me happy...
------------
September 18, 2008
2:30p.m. / E1C
He was actually calling me last midnight. I turned off my phone. This morning, my mother found a box hanging at our gate. She said that it's a gift from him.
It's a big box with a bear (stuffed toy) and small pillow (with a picture of Winnie the Pooh). Those are the stuff I had been telling him that I liked but never asked him to buy me.
I'm grateful and surprised... There's nothing more to it. I will keep them because I like them, not because I still love him.
--------------
September 24, 2008
11:00 a.m. / house
Yesterday was totally a tragic but fulfilling experience with a double jeopardy. My dad and I struggled through the hellish system of NSO for half day. And, my exams that night was another hell!
It's true enough that man doesn't live merely by eating and sleeping. He has to have something to do... I say and a philosopher named Marx said, "It's work... Man's essence is to work."
Well, 'work' can be a lot of things--profitable or not, pleasurable or not... as long as he's doing something aside from eating and sleeping. (Well, aside from sex also... Hahaha!)
Just like me who's trying to live like a human--to work--instead of just spending my day smoking and listening to Jack Johnson, I feel the need to move my ass and get to work. (My work at the moment is completing school requirements.)
They said, "Live for a day!" and I say "Carpe diem!"
--------------
Semptember 25, 2008
5:40 p.m. / H1C
I keep on telling myself that it's the mind that controls the emotions. Feelings are just products of our own thoughts.
Well, I just don't like my thoughts today...
7:00 p.m.
Here goes my cynical mind... Like in driving, I should utilize all my mental faculties to maneuver...
--------------
September 30, 2008
2:15 p.m. / Bed
Friends come and go... This is the stage in my life that I get hooked up in establishing new friendships. But, I don't think I will be successful in this pursuit. Time and conditions are not so favorable to me.
It must be because I am what I am and this kind of me simply doesn't allow anything that I'd like to happen. I know that it's time for me to get serious with life... Get serious with what I would like to die for.
Somehow, still within me, the core of my being is still clinging to the deep desire to spend my days with the people. I still want to serve the people in the way that my condition allows me...
When I die, I want my death to be as heavy as Mt. Apo...
--------------
October 2, 2008
6:30 p.m. / H1C
The beach is not so calm and not so noisy...
The sand dances with the waves in
the rhythm of the leaves of coconut trees.
The feet slowly join the swaying of the
monsoon... Birds are not singing but
chanting, alarming the heaven to save
the soul once the body drowns...
---------------
October 14, 2008
I saw the wide sky this afternoon. It was a battle of colors! It speaks of the havoc inside my heart. It's not calm but beautiful...
---------
November 15, 2007
4:00 p.m.
I'm hungry... But, instead of thinking of food, I think of you. This hunger is more than the scorches on the walls of my stomach. This is more than my stomach, greater than my desire to have enough food.
I couldn't think of any particular taste that I would like to eat right after this class. I'm thinking of more palatable than spaghetti... I couldn't think of anything else but you.
It is because any food served in front of me tastes better than anything that I find delicious when prepared by you.
But you are not sweet.. And no food could ever suffice this hunger because of this...
-----------
April 1, 2008
4:16 a.m. / 23-G
I guess, I've never been a good person to him... I want to continue our relationship until I learn how to love enough. I know I haven't shown enough love that he expects me to give him. But, I just would like him to know that I'm still willing to grow...
---------
September 16, 2008
2:00 p.m. / in my bed
It's a lousy day for a birthday... I still want to sleep and just dream.
Dreams, according to my ghost chatmate, are all impossible... You make 'goals' to make them happen. "Dreams be dreams..." Jack Johnson says.
I'm not quite sure why I have felt the urge to write today. Maybe because I just love reading my journals and assessing my way of thinking... Like what I just did before writing here.
I realized that it was not hard for me to enter into another relationship after the other... I mean, I was actually so blessed that I had not been one of those unattractive beings. And, it was not difficult for me to care for another man after getting over with someone. I'm just wondering whether or not it is a mere 'transfer of affection'. Or is there any pattern of my attitude in handling relationships?
Whatever it is, I find it so absurd to try to define or rationalize things or happenings in one's life. It's funny setting what's ought to be and what's not... Who says so?
In 25 years of experiences, whether or not I learned from those, I figured out that every single moment that you feel you're alive is life... Such is life!
There is no exact dogma, doctrine, pattern, principle, theory or whatever lexicons that one may associate with life.
Those who were done with life are not here to tell us that they had the right life or they had lived life to the fullest. Their lives are not models of how we should live ours. There is no final judgment neither...
Those who had experienced life earlier than others were able to build principles of their own for others to adhere because of what they had discovered on their journey. Each of us has his or her own journey, own life to unfold or learn.
Whatever happened to me in the past 25 years were all the makings of this life I have and will continue to live and enjoy.
It's the society which colors our minds to make us all in monochrome. It's the society that make us sad for not having the standards of life... or that we don't belong. It's the society which tells us to define life and make a good definition out of it. It's the society that keeps us weak so we can't stand alone and do what makes us happy or define our own happiness.
Fame, wealth, profession, reputation, beauty, health, yada yada yada... These are the 'Nirvana'... Most of humans believe that one of these mentioned is their end.
What if the end of life is to consume it until it ends by choice... consciously or subconsciously? Then, it might be easy! And, death would not be an object of anxiety.
My next 25 years (if I still want to stay this long) shall be another journey of unfolding the potentials of life... No standards, no expectations... Just purely living it all up to its end...
And, for this journey to be fun, I'm going to do what makes me happy...
------------
September 18, 2008
2:30p.m. / E1C
He was actually calling me last midnight. I turned off my phone. This morning, my mother found a box hanging at our gate. She said that it's a gift from him.
It's a big box with a bear (stuffed toy) and small pillow (with a picture of Winnie the Pooh). Those are the stuff I had been telling him that I liked but never asked him to buy me.
I'm grateful and surprised... There's nothing more to it. I will keep them because I like them, not because I still love him.
--------------
September 24, 2008
11:00 a.m. / house
Yesterday was totally a tragic but fulfilling experience with a double jeopardy. My dad and I struggled through the hellish system of NSO for half day. And, my exams that night was another hell!
It's true enough that man doesn't live merely by eating and sleeping. He has to have something to do... I say and a philosopher named Marx said, "It's work... Man's essence is to work."
Well, 'work' can be a lot of things--profitable or not, pleasurable or not... as long as he's doing something aside from eating and sleeping. (Well, aside from sex also... Hahaha!)
Just like me who's trying to live like a human--to work--instead of just spending my day smoking and listening to Jack Johnson, I feel the need to move my ass and get to work. (My work at the moment is completing school requirements.)
They said, "Live for a day!" and I say "Carpe diem!"
--------------
Semptember 25, 2008
5:40 p.m. / H1C
I keep on telling myself that it's the mind that controls the emotions. Feelings are just products of our own thoughts.
Well, I just don't like my thoughts today...
7:00 p.m.
Here goes my cynical mind... Like in driving, I should utilize all my mental faculties to maneuver...
--------------
September 30, 2008
2:15 p.m. / Bed
Friends come and go... This is the stage in my life that I get hooked up in establishing new friendships. But, I don't think I will be successful in this pursuit. Time and conditions are not so favorable to me.
It must be because I am what I am and this kind of me simply doesn't allow anything that I'd like to happen. I know that it's time for me to get serious with life... Get serious with what I would like to die for.
Somehow, still within me, the core of my being is still clinging to the deep desire to spend my days with the people. I still want to serve the people in the way that my condition allows me...
When I die, I want my death to be as heavy as Mt. Apo...
--------------
October 2, 2008
6:30 p.m. / H1C
The beach is not so calm and not so noisy...
The sand dances with the waves in
the rhythm of the leaves of coconut trees.
The feet slowly join the swaying of the
monsoon... Birds are not singing but
chanting, alarming the heaven to save
the soul once the body drowns...
---------------
October 14, 2008
I saw the wide sky this afternoon. It was a battle of colors! It speaks of the havoc inside my heart. It's not calm but beautiful...
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